First Impressions and Self-Image

First Impressions and self-image

Originally published Thursday, July 21, 2011

I recently got a comment from a Spark friend on my "before" photo in my gallery, to the effect that she had no idea I'd come so far... we had mainly "seen" one another on a community board where we might talk more about activity and family things than about weight loss.

An interesting thing about meeting new people is that they see your "outside" and make assumptions based on what they see. If you are currently thin and fit, they may easily assume you have always been relatively thus.

On the other hand, from the "inside", you know your own history. You are still adjusting to your "new" size, for some time after changing it. You know how many rides on the roller coaster you have taken, and may have confidence issues.

This usually isn't a problem, until you overhear and take to heart comments that are sometimes made by those (thankfully not as many as you think) folks who don't "get it". There will always be days when I think of myself as this:

If you met me back then, you would have found me huffing and puffing and wishing that skirt was not so tight. I have come down from there (all the way there) twice. I have come down from somewhere in between probably three times in addition.

Today, I feel good about me. Today I truly see myself as this:

Folks who meet me now don't know. Folks who have known me in both extremes do know. Me? I know now that I am both... this is the difference between the disease of compulsive eating being in charge, and a higher power blessing me with abstinence from the compulsion. One day at a time.

Spark helps. Healthy living programs help. But all in all... you have to follow those programs, and light that Spark. Motivation and action are gifts of grace.

Life's good. Spark on! 

Independence: from the tyrant's side

Monday, July 04, 2011

We celebrate the independence of the United States of America today. Independence was declared from a King and Country that taxed the nobles who had moved here but did not allow them a voice in Parliament. Anyway, that's what we are taught in school.

I think of other declarations of Independence, too. In the Old Testament, it is said that Moses went to Pharoah and asked for his people to be freed... then led them out in the face of resistance. I think of movements today, political movements and armed struggles where one group seeks freedom from control of another. The group and social struggles wage on over who shall control, who shall govern.

And then, being me, I bring it to a personal level, with a twist. Suppose, instead of seeing myself as the budding American Nationalist, I saw myself as King George. Such impudence these freedom seekers have! Trying to get away from me! It is my RIGHT to rule them, tax them, use them!

Only after a long and painful struggle did King George and his advisers throw in the towel, surrender to the independence that those American Rebels had declared.

This brings a different perspective, and some questions: What might I be holding on to that I need to grant independence to? How can I shorten my own pain and struggle?

Am I holding on to the idea that I can control the actions of others? I need to let that go, grant it independence!

Am I holding on to the thought that weight and fitness once achieved will solve all the problems in my life and make me happy? I need to let that go, too.

Am I holding on to the concept that I don't deserve happiness and order, that I'm somehow unworthy? Then I should let that concept go, and enjoy the happiness that is all around for the taking!

Am I holding on to a belief that I am incapable of governing myself, of having discipline in my life? Self-government is for adults... am I ready to let myself be one? If so, I need to let go of the thought that I'm weak or childish... I need to grant "me" independence.

I have met the tyrant... and she is ME! It is I who can grant me independence! I don't have to struggle... I can let me be me! And I can love it!

Have a great 4th of July! Let yourself be self-governed today!  

There is no finish line.

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

"There is no spoon" is one of my favorite quotes from The Matrix.

"There is no finish line" is my personal Spark theme. This is forever. For the rest of our lives. It doesn't end because "nobody's looking" today. Some days this is clearer than others. Today was such a day.

It doesn't end if we don't have the means to post to Spark (my internet was "down" this morning), or write things down on paper (it dawned on me partway through the day that I used to write my food and activity in a paper journal).

I still did what I'm supposed to do. Automatically. The truth is, we are worth taking care of every day, in every circumstance.

There is no "cheating". There is no "diet". There are only decisions. Lots and lots of decisions, every day. We have the Spark. We know our life in is our hands.

What a great thing to know! Because there is no finish line, we pace ourselves and find our balance that supports long-term, healthy lives. Healthy habits are cumulative. Start one. Any one. Keep that small promise to yourself. Several times. And you might just find you do *more* than you promised.

And why not? You're worth it!
 

What kind of instrument are you?

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

I've had this blog bubbling at the back of my head since Sunday, when I went to my sister's home for the family Memorial Day gather. I put this picture as my background for a bit and challenged my musically inclined friends to identify what was "different" about the instrument depicted.

This is a crossover instrument: it is the size of a viola, but it is stringed with an additional high string, a violin's E string. My sister, who is a string teacher, loves it because she can use one instrument to teach both violin pupils and viola pupils, and she can play harmonies and opposite parts no matter who she is playing alongside.

She has another interesting instrument that she had all of us try. A chin cello... another instrument the size of a viola, but strung with cello strings, an octave lower. What one observes, placing it under the chin and drawing the bow over the strings is a vibration much deeper and stronger than that of a violin or a viola.

So, what does that have to do with Sparking? (You know I'd find something... EVERYTHING is connected, somehow!)

Do you ever feel "different" from those around you? Do you feel "different" at a smaller, maintenance, goal-weight size? Maybe you just need to learn what kind of instrument you are! Maybe you're NOT a viola, even though you are viola-sized!

OK, that's my whimsey for today... it's OK to be who we are, and we can be quite unique and interesting in our design and purpose. Maybe you have the deep rich tones of a cello... and you have to ride out some extra vibrations! Or, perhaps you are blessed with a broad range of potential, and could play harmonies with many other instruments. Let's learn to play that extra string!

Even family gatherings have changed

Monday, May 30, 2011

For me, the focus of family gatherings were of course the people, but seriously, for a compulsive eater? They were about the food! The rich, decadent, bad for me food that holidays gave me an excuse to consume in quantities: while preparing it (don't ya know the cook has to taste it, just to make sure it's OK), of course at the event (someone prepared this special, they'll be offended if you don't show a hearty appetite and rave over their offerings), and then after (I used to make extra just so I could savor it afterwards, too).

And then there were the years of living in terror of food! And of the people, too! When I hadn't seen them in a while, and I would have gained weight, and I didn't want them to see me as a failure (yet again). So I would eat before, in anxiety, during I'd be "good" for show, and after, back in the privacy of my own kitchen, pile it on full of shame over my perception of my fat!

But now? I just observed this: it is as though there is this peace with who I am and who my loved ones are and that it's all OK. What changed? Wouldn't it be easy to say that now I'm at my "home" weight and have stayed there for almost a year, it's all because of that? But it's not.

It truly is the result of the hard part of losing weight: the mental, emotional, spiritual journey of acceptance and nurturing. It makes even family gatherings different. It allows me to attend, observe, participate and yes, love fully what each and every one brings... their stories, their music, their faces, and the food. In balance. With mindfulness.

Muffled stillness and sparkles

Monday, January 10, 2011

"The moon on the face of the new-fallen snow, gave a luster of mid-day to objects below." Thus says Clement C. Moore in a Visit from St. Nicolas. I've always loved that line. It so completely captures how I felt this morning at 4:30 a.m. as I stood among the sparkles filling my driveway and smoothing the lines of the suburban neighborhood where I live.

It was so still I was not about to try to start the snow-blower, even if I had total confidence that my repairs of yesterday afternoon would be effective.

I love the stillness, when it's not too cold and the wind is light or absent. It is so beautiful, so peaceful. And in the stillness this morning, I realized something: this was another moment of functional fitness. I am not intimidated by the white stuff. I can wield this shovel! I can clear this property... just me, my trusty shovel, and my 58-year-old muscles!

This, ladies and gents, is why I work out. So that I can do what needs doing, when it needs doing. Whether that's running up ten flights of stairs to evade a fire in a tall building, or simply making our neighborhood safe for dog-walkers.

And in the process, we might get a poetic treat or two, in the muffled stillness, amid the sparkling new snow.

Equine Metaphors

 Sunday, February 14, 2010

I rewarded myself yesterday with a premium ticket to see "The World Famous Lipizzaner Stallion Show".  It was wonderful, and I am musing over the show as motivation to continue my own efforts at training.

What athletes these horses are! What patience their trainers have to train them in the gentle way they do, in the great tradition of dressage and the Spanish Riding School. Although this is an American show, they use the same principles of training that have been used for centuries by that great institution. And of course, the same breed stock.

I'm a great fan of "being there" whether it is standing in the Sistine Chapel looking up at Michaelangelo's "Creation of Man", in Florence gazing on his statue of David, riding a jet boat up the snake river through Hell's Canyon, walking up Scott's Bluff, attending a major league baseball game, or, in this case, seeing a live horse performing "airs above the ground". It lifts the heart, more than a photograph or a movie can do.

I think these things help me feel present and alive on the planet. Obviously they are not something that I do every day, or all the time. They are the jewels scattered throughout a lifetime, making memories to look back on, or dreams to look forward to.

When putting together a plan for fitness and healthy habits... having things like this to look forward to makes a difference.  

As for the training of the athletes themselves... none of these horses do anything that was not a natural move they performed in play as colts. The same is true of us... being fit and healthy is what we were born to be, but it takes training to bring out our best performance on cue. It takes patience, and gentle persuasion... rewards and correction... you cannot punish excellence into being. But you can coax and encourage it.

May we remember this as we encourage excellence in ourselves!