Don't think you can do it? I didn't think so either...

Wednesday, January 02, 2019

Remember Mt. St. OMG, that got shoved aside into other areas of the house for the holidays? Today I brought it back as a working area.

And as I was going through the papers in one of those boxes, I tripped over a hard copy of a blog from March 3, 2006. This was in my pre-Spark days. It is clear from what I wrote back then that I did not believe it was possible for me to become a healthy weight according to the charts.

In this blog on another platform, I was describing the wellness assessment done at my "new" gym. "Excess fat (44% body fat, I think was the number she measured, but I didn't get to bring that paper away, maybe it will show up in their computer system)."

My BMI was measured at 35.5! They wanted it to drop to 19 - 25 (the desirable range).

In my own words, back then, "I don't think I will ever get there, but hopefully I can get closer."

Well, folks... that was a loooong time ago. Today my BMI is sitting at 22.9, smack in the middle of that healthy, desirable range. I may have *other* issues that I'm still working on, but I'm proof that we can do things even if we don't believe we can!

So... keep Sparking, my friends. It makes a difference!    

What Is One Thing You Use Every Day?

 Sunday, September 11, 2016

I've been writing this blog in my head since somewhere in mile one of this morning's Buffalo Run. The Buffalo Run is a five mile race set on the hills of Pioneers Park in Lincoln, Nebraska. It is the Lincoln Track Club's longest-running sponsored race... this was its 40th year.

There was a lot of hype associated with this 40th running. They were giving gift certificates to Lincoln Running Company to every 40th runner across the line. The Road Runners Club of America named it their one "non-standard distance" State Championship race of the year, so there were some extra awards available.

And there was birthday cake too (very good, chocolate cake, and YES, I ate some... don't look at me that way, Sparkers!)

OK, so why was I running a race thinking about things that I use every day? Because one of those things was practically shouting at me. Because while we may use hundreds of items every day: our toothbrushes, a favorite coffee mug (or the coffee pot), our eyeglasses, a daily medication... on and on... every day we use our bodies! In particular, we use just about every part of our bodies: arms, legs, fingers, toes, brains...

And my left ankle was reminding me loudly that I was NOT using it wisely. In the first MILE of a five mile race! I slowed down. I walked a bit, tested it at a slower pace, and let people pass me. Turned out it barked more on the uphill/downhill sections, and I was able to jog more slowly when the elevation was even. My co-worker passed me and asked if I was OK sometime during mile 2. I told him I was having ankle issues, but I was OK, go on and run your best.

I tested it on a good long stretch of even ground, and found it was improving, and while I didn't press for speed, and listened carefully to that ankle, I was able to finish the race at a modest running pace. I repassed my co-worker sometime in mile 3, tossing the comment his way that the ankle had finally warmed up.

So my ONE THING I use every day? Today I'm giving the nod to my left ankle.

One thing that impressed me most in my race day experience: Ann Ringlein (owner of the Running Company) called my name as I approached the finish line. I had no idea she knew who I was, but it appears she does.

And yes, there was this little trinket that I did not expect, having forgotten the "State Championship" aspect of this race.

Second in my age group, second in the larger "Senior Grand Master" female group, as well. Silver medal. Despite the left ankle, and with its assistance and cooperation, given I listened and babied it a bit.

Home now, showered, left ankle wrapped. Life is good.

LIVE, but take care of every part of your body, because it is one thing we ALL use, every day!

How to climb out of the hole

Originally Published Friday, January 29, 2016

Simple, right? One hand-hold at a time!

Yesterday I packed the bag. I didn't eat what was in it. I indulged in some off-plan eating. But I did make ONE good decision, part way through my afternoon recess... I didn't buy MORE. I let myself get hungry again.

See... it's not a straight line back to "perfectly on plan". At least it has never been so for me.

Casting my mind back to how I gave up soda (pop, for those of you who grew up where I did). Every time I would try, I'd fail. So I tried just cutting back. I went from five or six cans a day to three. Several months later, in the aftermath of parathyroid surgery, I dropped it to ONE can a day. I scheduled that "treat" carefully, with my morning work break.

Then I found I wasn't doing soda at home on the weekends at all. And I tried going without it at work, while still having permission to have one. Finally, I had my last diet Coke with Christmas dinner in 2009 (which was on December 27th, thanks to the big snowstorm that year). I have not had a carbonated beverage since, and I even forgot to "celebrate" the 6th anniversary this year... I had just become someone who doesn't do bubbles.

I climb out of eating lapse holes in similar fashion. Slowly. Reminder cards *do* help. Self-talk *is* important. But so is being aware that I have a *choice*. I *can* choose to continue to misbehave with food. If I do, I make sure it is a *conscious* choice. It has consequences, but it's not that I lack will-power.

I have learned not to beat myself up about it. It happens.

Another thing I've learned is that it can be helpful to figure out what the triggers were... not the outward ones (being sick, being stressed, being busy, feeling rebellious...), but the deeper inner ones: "What are you afraid of, Barb?" Yep, those deep, dark fears... the ones you don't want to admit even to yourself that you have, but that you probably share with the rest of humanity: is it fear of mortality? Poverty? Failure?

Looking foolish? Over-exposure (ok, that one's for us introverts)?

Once finding the specific fear, I have to face up to it, recognize it for what it is, and determine if there's anything I can *do* about it... i.e. problem solve. If so, take steps to do so. If not... let's have a little chat about whether eating that _____ (fill in your current temptation) is going to help or hurt. In short, apply the Beckniques as some bloggers have called them. And in the end... decide: eat or not... no judgment for the decision, just decide.

If eating was the choice, PAY ATTENTION: 

1. Did you savor it? Good job! 
2. How did you feel afterward?  If you're aware of how you felt, CREDIT for the awareness. 
3. Evaluate: was it worth it? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Use that evaluation as input for the next time you are faced with a temptation!

So... here we are at Friday:

• I still have yesterday's bag in the 'fridge at work. The plan is to use it!
• Remember to go to recess, and THINK about each choice in the day. I really don't believe there is "no choice"... and I'm not sure I already made it (which is my version of "no choice"... the reason there would be "no choice" would be that I had already chosen!)
• You are a smart, thinking woman. You are allowed to think before acting. You are allowed to sit and breathe and clear your mind. You are allowed to go for a walk. There are MANY options on how to deal with your fears!

All that said, dirty laundry and all... let's head out for our Friday, January 29th, 2016 and LIVE it... it's the only one we'll ever get.

Speaking the Truth to Power

 Wednesday, September 09, 2015

One of my favorite West Wing episodes is the one where they hand Will Bailey something that's a piece of doo-doo, tell him it's the President's idea and then put him in a room with The Man to see if he's up to truly staffing a powerful man. Will he call a buffalo chip for what it is?

We face similar decisions every day with our eating and exercise. In our heart of hearts, we KNOW if we phoned in a workout, we KNOW whether we measured or eye-balled, we KNOW if we flat out picked something up that's not on plan, we KNOW whether we sat down and savored or shoveled mindlessly!

Hey, even if you picked something up that's not on plan, shouldn't you enjoy it?

• Do we tell ourselves the TRUTH about what we did?
• Do we tell ourselves KINDLY? Do we exaggerate?
• Or do we do a Joe Friday, "Just the Facts, Ma'am"?

And once we have the facts, what do we do with them? Do we use them as something to be disheartened about? Or do we FIX IT?

I vote for fixing it, how about you? Speak the truth to yourself, and then fix it... go back to what works. Call that "normal" and the stuff you have to fix an aberration. And go back to normal. Because normal works!

• That said, today's bag is packed. Remember to eat what's in it, because THAT's normal.
• Remember to go to recess.
• And Speak the Truth to the powerful person that is YOU: "well done! Good job! You get Credit for that choice!" 

These truths are a lot more pleasant to communicate, and the beauty of them is that YOU have the power to make them true!

Live just TODAY, for LIFE is served up one day at a time!

Lessons from Repeats

 Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Along the way from being an 18 year old who thought she was "pudgy" to an obese adult in mid-life, to becoming a 60 year old training for triathlon... the hills and valleys have been many. There are pitfalls along the way, and let me tell you about a few of them. 

If you are at any of these stopping points right now, this blog's for you.

1. After your initial success at losing weight, you regain. Sigh. You feel like a failure. If you are here... read on. Do NOT give up.

2. In your second iteration, you cling to maintenance for quite a while, but then life gets WAY crazy, and you stop taking care of yourself. You think other things are more important (they may even be other people) than you are, and you'll "make up for it later". Yep, the pounds pile back on. If you are here... read on. Do NOT give up.

3. In your third iteration, you're doing GREAT. Then you get hit with an injury. You haven't figured out how to rehab, and you sink back into old habits of comforting yourself with food. Since you're not being active (and having your body give you feedback about the fuel), you just keep on... and you find yourself nearly back at you top weight ever. If you are here... read on. Do NOT give up.

4. In your fourth iteration, you learn how to draw a line in the sand and keep your balance. It may not be the active life of your dreams, but it is survivable. You still wish you could live your dreams, but this is not such a bad place to be. If you are here... read on. Do NOT release your dreams as "impossible".

5. You have kept on dreaming of the life goal you want. At your next opportunity, you assess, and come up with a plan. You take the first steps in that plan to make your dream a reality... and each day you do at least one little thing that will support that dream. You get your daily inspiration. 

You rely on your "line in the sand", and you build from it. If you are here... congratulations... you are VERY close to reaching the next phase of your dream. Do not stop with dreaming.

If you are here... remember these things as you take those action steps:

• Keep your balance.
• Do not overtrain.
• Remember to recover and rest.
• Hydrate.
• Fuel the body with the nutrition that will support the life you WANT.

In the end... it's YOUR life. Live it to the fullest. Live it according to YOUR dream, not someone else's. Health is a precious resource. Preserve and protect it by taking care of YOU first.

Now go fill your place in the world! Because YOU deserve a good life, and the world deserves the best YOU that you can give it!

Spark on!

The Facts of Life

 Monday, December 31, 2012

I was going to blog about something completely different this morning... but my thoughts were kind of disjointed and I decided I'd best let THAT blog percolate for a while before I write it.

Then my brother went and mentioned some real numbers in his blog about his maintenance range, and I figure I'd talk turkey to those of us small-framed women out here in Spark land trying so hard to lose the pounds and being frustrated at times.

Here's the deal. The weight maintenance game is rigged. Yeppers. Rigged.

First off, normal male body composition contains less fat and more muscle than ours does as the carriers of the progeny. When I see my body fat percentage in the 20% range, I'm doing very well. A guy? Would have to be below 15% to be as fit and healthy as I am at 20%.

This means, with a higher percentage of muscle mass, the gents burn more calories even if they are the same weight as me!

This is NORMAL, and it's OK. I like being female. Would NOT swap!

Second, guys "on average" are larger framed than we are. My son tops me by eight or nine inches. My brother by a similar amount. And lest we forget, they both work out, too. So, with a larger body mass, they require more calories to maintain.

This, too, is NORMAL, and it's OK. I like fitting into smaller spaces and being able to FIT in tourist class on an airplane without feeling my legs are being cramped!

But still, it is somewhat of an eye opener to realize that for them? A normal maintenance range comes out to a binge day for me!

Life is not fair. But it's still good. Weight loss for us ladies may take more work. But, it's still worth it! I love being me. I love being me at my "tiny" size. And if that means I can only have half the calories of my muscular male relatives, so be it... it also means I only NEED half the calories to thrive.

Spark on!

Medium versus Message ... Body and Selfhood

 

Medium versus Message ... Body and Selfhood

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Me, Christmas 2005

A few years ago I took a brief class on writing a business document, led by a professional technical writer. One of the things she told us was that good writing should be invisible. If all that is seen is the message, and the reader doesn't notice the words, you've done your job.

This morning as I made my rounds of my favorite Spark blogs, I came across one where the writer expressed her discomfort with too much focus on the physical aspects of weight loss process, on the body. She mentioned that she wanted attention, but didn't want the focus of the attention to be the body.

My mind went back to that class. We want to be seen as ourselves, we don't want the body getting in the way of relating to others. Too much focus on the body (medium, words), takes away from seeing the person who lives there (message).

It was certainly true of me that I used my heavy body to deliver a message. In my head, I thought I was saying "This woman is here for her mind and what she can contribute". I thought I was saying "This woman is not interested in anyone who is so shallow as to be attracted by purely physical traits, you must love her for her mind and soul." It was my armor to keep people at bay that did not want to get to know the real me.

I don't think that was always the message that was received on the part of those who saw me, and it leaves out some important things... like that I have to live in this body, and it gets physically difficult if you're carting around excess padding. We won't even mention the additional risk of certain kinds of disease.

What enabled me to trim down / edit the body size is a process. I tried many tools over the decades and they all worked until I would hit the wall of reversal. I think one of the reasons I kept regaining was too much focus did come onto the physical body. I would have to find ways to use my voice and my words to express the messages I needed to deliver. And while that still scared me too much? Saying out loud what I wasn't ready to admit to myself I thought or felt? Guess what? The pounds come back! Almost by magic.

So... the deal is... it's yet another skill set to be learned while we lose the pounds... setting our boundaries... establishing the beachhead of SELF... and using the voice to keep others at bay when they invade our comfort zone.

What was different about THIS time through losing (now in year 3 of maintaining the loss) is that I insisted throughout that the goal was NOT a number on the scale, NOT a body size. The goal was to find healthy ways of eating and being active, and the scale and the measuring tape would take care of themselves.

They did... I succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. But I *did* have to fight off those who wanted to focus too much on the physical for my comfort. And find ways to use my words to do so.

Because in the end... we don't need to "lose weight", per se... we need to nurture ourselves and take care of our body... because it is the medium of the message... and the message (self) is our mission to the world!

I know this will not resonate with EVERY reader of my blogs, but for those of you who struggle with discomfort at compliments that focus on "how much have you lost", "you're a different person!", etc., we are sisters and brothers under the skin. We are the survivors of obesity. But there is so much more to each of us than body size.

From where I sit now? At my natural body size, and working hard to stay here? Life is good. I'm still me (as you will still be you, if you're still working on it). And we are all worth taking care of ... today and every day. Spark on!

Me, June 2021

First Impressions and Self-Image

First Impressions and self-image

Originally published Thursday, July 21, 2011

I recently got a comment from a Spark friend on my "before" photo in my gallery, to the effect that she had no idea I'd come so far... we had mainly "seen" one another on a community board where we might talk more about activity and family things than about weight loss.

An interesting thing about meeting new people is that they see your "outside" and make assumptions based on what they see. If you are currently thin and fit, they may easily assume you have always been relatively thus.

On the other hand, from the "inside", you know your own history. You are still adjusting to your "new" size, for some time after changing it. You know how many rides on the roller coaster you have taken, and may have confidence issues.

This usually isn't a problem, until you overhear and take to heart comments that are sometimes made by those (thankfully not as many as you think) folks who don't "get it". There will always be days when I think of myself as this:

If you met me back then, you would have found me huffing and puffing and wishing that skirt was not so tight. I have come down from there (all the way there) twice. I have come down from somewhere in between probably three times in addition.

Today, I feel good about me. Today I truly see myself as this:

Folks who meet me now don't know. Folks who have known me in both extremes do know. Me? I know now that I am both... this is the difference between the disease of compulsive eating being in charge, and a higher power blessing me with abstinence from the compulsion. One day at a time.

Spark helps. Healthy living programs help. But all in all... you have to follow those programs, and light that Spark. Motivation and action are gifts of grace.

Life's good. Spark on! 

Independence: from the tyrant's side

Monday, July 04, 2011

We celebrate the independence of the United States of America today. Independence was declared from a King and Country that taxed the nobles who had moved here but did not allow them a voice in Parliament. Anyway, that's what we are taught in school.

I think of other declarations of Independence, too. In the Old Testament, it is said that Moses went to Pharoah and asked for his people to be freed... then led them out in the face of resistance. I think of movements today, political movements and armed struggles where one group seeks freedom from control of another. The group and social struggles wage on over who shall control, who shall govern.

And then, being me, I bring it to a personal level, with a twist. Suppose, instead of seeing myself as the budding American Nationalist, I saw myself as King George. Such impudence these freedom seekers have! Trying to get away from me! It is my RIGHT to rule them, tax them, use them!

Only after a long and painful struggle did King George and his advisers throw in the towel, surrender to the independence that those American Rebels had declared.

This brings a different perspective, and some questions: What might I be holding on to that I need to grant independence to? How can I shorten my own pain and struggle?

Am I holding on to the idea that I can control the actions of others? I need to let that go, grant it independence!

Am I holding on to the thought that weight and fitness once achieved will solve all the problems in my life and make me happy? I need to let that go, too.

Am I holding on to the concept that I don't deserve happiness and order, that I'm somehow unworthy? Then I should let that concept go, and enjoy the happiness that is all around for the taking!

Am I holding on to a belief that I am incapable of governing myself, of having discipline in my life? Self-government is for adults... am I ready to let myself be one? If so, I need to let go of the thought that I'm weak or childish... I need to grant "me" independence.

I have met the tyrant... and she is ME! It is I who can grant me independence! I don't have to struggle... I can let me be me! And I can love it!

Have a great 4th of July! Let yourself be self-governed today!  

There is no finish line.

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

"There is no spoon" is one of my favorite quotes from The Matrix.

"There is no finish line" is my personal Spark theme. This is forever. For the rest of our lives. It doesn't end because "nobody's looking" today. Some days this is clearer than others. Today was such a day.

It doesn't end if we don't have the means to post to Spark (my internet was "down" this morning), or write things down on paper (it dawned on me partway through the day that I used to write my food and activity in a paper journal).

I still did what I'm supposed to do. Automatically. The truth is, we are worth taking care of every day, in every circumstance.

There is no "cheating". There is no "diet". There are only decisions. Lots and lots of decisions, every day. We have the Spark. We know our life in is our hands.

What a great thing to know! Because there is no finish line, we pace ourselves and find our balance that supports long-term, healthy lives. Healthy habits are cumulative. Start one. Any one. Keep that small promise to yourself. Several times. And you might just find you do *more* than you promised.

And why not? You're worth it!
 

What kind of instrument are you?

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

I've had this blog bubbling at the back of my head since Sunday, when I went to my sister's home for the family Memorial Day gather. I put this picture as my background for a bit and challenged my musically inclined friends to identify what was "different" about the instrument depicted.

This is a crossover instrument: it is the size of a viola, but it is stringed with an additional high string, a violin's E string. My sister, who is a string teacher, loves it because she can use one instrument to teach both violin pupils and viola pupils, and she can play harmonies and opposite parts no matter who she is playing alongside.

She has another interesting instrument that she had all of us try. A chin cello... another instrument the size of a viola, but strung with cello strings, an octave lower. What one observes, placing it under the chin and drawing the bow over the strings is a vibration much deeper and stronger than that of a violin or a viola.

So, what does that have to do with Sparking? (You know I'd find something... EVERYTHING is connected, somehow!)

Do you ever feel "different" from those around you? Do you feel "different" at a smaller, maintenance, goal-weight size? Maybe you just need to learn what kind of instrument you are! Maybe you're NOT a viola, even though you are viola-sized!

OK, that's my whimsey for today... it's OK to be who we are, and we can be quite unique and interesting in our design and purpose. Maybe you have the deep rich tones of a cello... and you have to ride out some extra vibrations! Or, perhaps you are blessed with a broad range of potential, and could play harmonies with many other instruments. Let's learn to play that extra string!

Even family gatherings have changed

Monday, May 30, 2011

For me, the focus of family gatherings were of course the people, but seriously, for a compulsive eater? They were about the food! The rich, decadent, bad for me food that holidays gave me an excuse to consume in quantities: while preparing it (don't ya know the cook has to taste it, just to make sure it's OK), of course at the event (someone prepared this special, they'll be offended if you don't show a hearty appetite and rave over their offerings), and then after (I used to make extra just so I could savor it afterwards, too).

And then there were the years of living in terror of food! And of the people, too! When I hadn't seen them in a while, and I would have gained weight, and I didn't want them to see me as a failure (yet again). So I would eat before, in anxiety, during I'd be "good" for show, and after, back in the privacy of my own kitchen, pile it on full of shame over my perception of my fat!

But now? I just observed this: it is as though there is this peace with who I am and who my loved ones are and that it's all OK. What changed? Wouldn't it be easy to say that now I'm at my "home" weight and have stayed there for almost a year, it's all because of that? But it's not.

It truly is the result of the hard part of losing weight: the mental, emotional, spiritual journey of acceptance and nurturing. It makes even family gatherings different. It allows me to attend, observe, participate and yes, love fully what each and every one brings... their stories, their music, their faces, and the food. In balance. With mindfulness.

Muffled stillness and sparkles

Monday, January 10, 2011

"The moon on the face of the new-fallen snow, gave a luster of mid-day to objects below." Thus says Clement C. Moore in a Visit from St. Nicolas. I've always loved that line. It so completely captures how I felt this morning at 4:30 a.m. as I stood among the sparkles filling my driveway and smoothing the lines of the suburban neighborhood where I live.

It was so still I was not about to try to start the snow-blower, even if I had total confidence that my repairs of yesterday afternoon would be effective.

I love the stillness, when it's not too cold and the wind is light or absent. It is so beautiful, so peaceful. And in the stillness this morning, I realized something: this was another moment of functional fitness. I am not intimidated by the white stuff. I can wield this shovel! I can clear this property... just me, my trusty shovel, and my 58-year-old muscles!

This, ladies and gents, is why I work out. So that I can do what needs doing, when it needs doing. Whether that's running up ten flights of stairs to evade a fire in a tall building, or simply making our neighborhood safe for dog-walkers.

And in the process, we might get a poetic treat or two, in the muffled stillness, amid the sparkling new snow.

Equine Metaphors

 Sunday, February 14, 2010

I rewarded myself yesterday with a premium ticket to see "The World Famous Lipizzaner Stallion Show".  It was wonderful, and I am musing over the show as motivation to continue my own efforts at training.

What athletes these horses are! What patience their trainers have to train them in the gentle way they do, in the great tradition of dressage and the Spanish Riding School. Although this is an American show, they use the same principles of training that have been used for centuries by that great institution. And of course, the same breed stock.

I'm a great fan of "being there" whether it is standing in the Sistine Chapel looking up at Michaelangelo's "Creation of Man", in Florence gazing on his statue of David, riding a jet boat up the snake river through Hell's Canyon, walking up Scott's Bluff, attending a major league baseball game, or, in this case, seeing a live horse performing "airs above the ground". It lifts the heart, more than a photograph or a movie can do.

I think these things help me feel present and alive on the planet. Obviously they are not something that I do every day, or all the time. They are the jewels scattered throughout a lifetime, making memories to look back on, or dreams to look forward to.

When putting together a plan for fitness and healthy habits... having things like this to look forward to makes a difference.  

As for the training of the athletes themselves... none of these horses do anything that was not a natural move they performed in play as colts. The same is true of us... being fit and healthy is what we were born to be, but it takes training to bring out our best performance on cue. It takes patience, and gentle persuasion... rewards and correction... you cannot punish excellence into being. But you can coax and encourage it.

May we remember this as we encourage excellence in ourselves!